What I want to teach our kid(s)

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to teach our future kids.  Obviously, much of what is important to me is directly related to my own childhood, what I learned, and how I perceive those things have benefited me.  This is just the tip of the iceberg.  I'm still learning and practicing these and many other values. 


Celebration of differences - Hopefully this won't be something we actively teach our kids as much as it will be something our kids are simply born into. I'm talking about something more than mere tolerance. I want our kids to have relationships with people who are different than them and I want them to celebrate those differences. There's something to be learned from every single person whose path you cross in life. If you're not listening to their experience and their perspective, you're missing out on an opportunity to make yourself a better person and to make the world a better place.


Tzedakah - This is one of my favorite concepts of Judaism. Tzedakah is like charity but it's different in a couple of key ways. Charity is an act of benevolence and generosity most often defined as an act of the rich to benefit the poor. Tzedakah is a duty that is performed out of righteousness and justice. Tzedakah is about fairness. The highest form of tzedakah is to give when neither party knows the other's identity, double anonymity. My favorite example of tzedakah is called peah. Peah is a farmer’s obligation to leave a corner of his field unharvested for the poor to take from.

Peah is not about giving just once or once a year, but systematically (e.g. every pay check, every month, every harvest, etc.). It's more about the consciousness (of the giver) than it is the amount. Another key element of Tzedakah is empathy. The farmer leaves the corner of the field so that the receiver may take on their own time (be self-reliant) without embarrassment. The receiver must take the trouble to harvest and earn their own gift, providing a sense of self-respect.

Graciousness/Kindness/Compassion - Our kids are going to be born into the American middle-class and that will make them richer and more fortunate than the vast majority of the rest of the world. When you're born into wealth, there is responsibility and I believe that responsibility goes beyond monetary generosity. I want our kids to not only understand their good fortune but to be truly informed by it. I want them to naturally behave with grace and tact and to treat people with respect and admiration, both here on American soil and around the world. No spoiled brats!

Hard work - When we went on our family vacation to Florida, I was around 12 years old and had spent the summer grudgingly working in the orchard. I was not happy that my "vacation" was spent in the hot Northern California sun, dirt under my fingernails, miles from the nearest swimming pool, with very little social interaction. Brian wasn't very happy about it either. But we were looking forward to our family vacation to Florida at the end of summer. When we finally landed in Orlando and made our way to the rental car pick-up, I thought there had been some sort of mistake when the car my parents rented turned out to be a convertible mustang. My dad said something like "surprise!" but I was totally unaware of what he was talking about. It turns out my Dad wanted to reward us for our hard work so instead of driving around in a Cutlas Supreme, he upgraded so that we could cruise in a convertible (my first-time). It was a good and simple lesson. Work hard for the things you want and you may even be surprised and end up with more than you were hoping for.

A similar story: I wanted a Pound Puppy stuffed animal one summer. I think they cost around $20. My dad said I could earn the money to buy the Pound Puppy by picking olives. He agreed to pay me what he paid the migrant workers who came every summer. It seemed simple. I would fill up the equivalent of a 5 gallon bucket of olives for $20. I worked for hours and I never finished filling the bucket, but I learned the value of $20!

Be curious – I want our kids to ask questions, to wonder why their opinion is different than someone else’s, investigate their options, and question why things are the way they are. We live in a free democratic society and we’re all allowed to have our own opinions – lucky us! But for society to be productive and progressive, we should all be having meaningful conversations with people whose opinions we do not share. This is the most oft neglected responsibility of being an American, IMO.  Put another way: I want our kids to learn to be interested, not interesting. This approach fosters trust, respect, admiration, and continued intellectual curiosity.

Travel – I believe the simplest way to teach our kids most of the values I’ve already mentioned – and the way I learned them myself – is to get outside of the comfort zones we grow accustom to. I don’t mean travel expeditions to exotic lands (although, I hope we can continue to afford those too). It might be something as simple as a family backpacking trip into nature or a weekend trip outside of the city and into rural areas and small towns. It’s about creating opportunities to be less dependent on the predictability of daily routine, the comfort of a best friend, or the safety of the parent-child relationship. For me, it eventually became most about the moments in which I felt alone and uncomfortable and was forced to adapt and do things a little differently. Those moments make you grow. They make you a little less sure of what you think you know, but ultimately more aware of and more comfortable in who you are.

I'll try to remember to add to this list as our baby grows.